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Snake News: “Fuck Headlines Then Pay Their Child Support!”

Fictionally Written By Jebidiah Viper,
High-Holy Priest Of The Glory Holes.


So, the day started out being a heel the moment I decided to get drunk at ten o’clock in the morning. Being drunk wasn’t the problem, though: the problem arose when I decided to walk into area littered with vegan hipsters. Since I was drunk, I only saw food as food, so I ended up eating some organic crap that didn’t sit well in my stomach. And unfortunately, the tag line for my profession isn’t exactly far off, because the toilet I ended up kneeling at happened to have a glory hole. The dude ended up confessing his kink to have his dick puked on, which only made me blow more chunks. Small part of me felt bad, but I wasn’t in the mood to blow him.

Aside from what’s going on in my life, the life a prominent actor, I’ll call him Mr. Spiked Butt-Plug, decided that it was his business to stop a fraking operation. To the dismay of the townsfolk, he was successful, and when asked if it was right for him to stop something that’d bring prosperity to the poor town, he had this to say: “Blah, blah, blah, data means climate change is real. Blah, blah, blah climate change = global warming. Blah, yap, yap, moral responsibility to Mother Earth. Yip, yap, yip, too bad to all the peasants who support my actual job.”

Moments later, in an incredible display of his investigatory prowess, Detective Spencer Tortoise found out that a begrudged, former-bureaucrat (of a certain stupid agency) paid Spiked Butt-Plug to spear-head an environmental campaign against the fraking operation. There’s a prostitute joke somewhere in there, but I’m certain that cheap whores have a better sense dignity, especially considering that both the actor and the bureaucrat own stocks in overseas oil companies.

In any sense, Tortoise managed to get a good list of people arrested, including those two bozos, for enacting a conspiracy of interests, as it were. Speculation is that the actor, in particular, will be able to escape jail time if he manages to help fund lost costs to the fracking operation, if not help put money back into the community of the town.

Last but not least, certain terrorist organizations are trembling in fear, but not because of a military operation. Apparently, an anonymous pastor, which has been dubbed the Christ Bullet, has taken it upon himself to oppose and foil any plots set out by the organizations. Unfortunately, the current-year Pope has been vehement in describing the way his tail is tucked between his legs... I mean, in how the Christ Bullet’s methods should be discouraged at every turn.

About a week after expressing this, the Pope received an anonymous letter from the Christ Bullet that simply said this, “Good thing I’m a Protestant bastard.”

Well, that’s it for this fictionally crafted report. Be sure to purchase the first story of Poison Shot, available today. Also, I should formally apologize for being less fucking vulgar throughout this report. Kind of watched porn and jerked off in the middle of writing this piece of shit. My mind was in a bit of a lethargic state, but don’t you fucking worry, expect a whole lot vulgarity in the report I’ve especially crafted for the first Poison Shot zine. Should be a whole lot of damn fun, but what the fuck do know?

In the mean time folks, I appreciate your attention, but I still think you should all go fuck yourselves. From the bottom of my heart to the tip of my raging boner...

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Mike Whitacre and the Dollar Lousy website would like to thank you for powering through this excruciating article. In no means does it represent any opinions or mind sets of any real, upstanding citizen, like yourself. But, in the off chance you did agree and enjoy the article, we still very much thank you for being sexy and awesome at the same time, in multiple times, and beyond.

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